Confessions of an Over Thinker
I am an Over Thinker.
I wonder if there is an Over Thinkers Anonymous? You know what I mean. You have the best intentions when you get out of bed and decide what you are going to do with your day so you start with the basics. Should I wear the blue jeans or the print flowy skirt that makes my ankles look slim? If I wear the jeans will the extra serving of ice cream at the pharmacy show up as a poofed out belly? Maybe I should wear the skirt….. but didn’t I wear that the other day, I wonder if it is clean. Better wear the capri pants, the cut hides the belly but still makes the ankles look slim (don’t ask me why, maybe it is because that is the only part of me that IS slim).
The same thing happened this week with blogging. I was overthinking everything. What do you mean change the name? I don’t want to change the name…..is the name bad?…..are the first names always bad?……should I leave out the part about the map? All these random thoughts popping in and out of my head as I also was struggling with other “issues” and rethinking my introduction.
Over thinking things is a life long struggle for me. A wiz at school as a child I still agonized over everything, absolutely EVERYTHING. I worried about what the other kids at school thought of me to the point that I barely spoke with the fear of being thought stupid. Yeah, my IQ was determined at a very young age to be exceptional (160) and I was placed in what they called at the time Mentally Gifted Minors or MGM. Nobody really explained this to me but I suddenly found myself in an office with a group of adults reciting numbers to me and asking me to repeat them forwards and backwards, I believe I was 9. Aside from that little snippet of memory not a lot is clear. But I do remember being painfully shy and everything I did I would think about over and over again. My schoolwork was meticulous and I always got A’s. As a teenager and young adult I was so afraid of doing something wrong I would choose to not do things due to my fear of making mistakes and drawing attention to myself. Getting good grades was a given but the agonizing that went into the work is something that I have never shared.
Several of the jobs I have had made me agonize over details that nobody cared about but me. To my supervisors it must have seemed like I was slow, I was so afraid of making mistakes that I overthought things and started over to get things perfectly done. Perfection takes time. Not all jobs want perfection, they just want the job done.
Life is not about perfection and none of us is perfect. Overthinking about something makes us lose sight of the actual goal sometimes. My goal is to learn to put the racing thoughts and observations about life that I have accumulated in my 50 plus years, into words for others to laugh at, cry over and to share in.
I once had a therapist (yeah I have had more than a few of those) that told me to take the word SHOULD out of my vocabulary. I should, he should, they should, all of that gone. Shoulds are not real and don’t count in real life. There is only do and do not………..wait, didn’t a little green guy say that? Oh well, so there is only the reality of what you actually do. Thinking is not doing. Thinking about the things I want to say and share is not actually saying or sharing and thinking doesn’t count as blogging until my ass is in my chair and I am typing.
This is me, Grynnie, typing. May the force also be with you.